… by the looks of it, we’re gonna die, sooner or later, but surer than we think we would, and despite being aware of the bounds that are constantly present in our lives, there is a lot of clamour in our heads by thoughts that mostly don’t matter, surrounding the things that we don’t have in our lives, favoring the people that we would rather not be talking to, spending time that makes us feel dumber by the minute, and still hanging on to the clamour as if that is the single most important entity giving us a sense of existence, importance and purpose, which rather puts me on the verge of losing my sanity, while I am transitioning from a world of colour, interest, enthusiasm and fascination into a world where all things appear mediocre, all colours being shades of grey, black, white or blue, fascination and enthusiasm simply being two of the sarcastic words hurled at you by people who are driven by an apparent cloud in their minds that they are leading a life worthy of example, yet subjecting themselves to clandestine self-deception by the blurring boundaries between people, getting interlaced with their prejudices, their opinions about other people, relationships, friend circles, social strata, clout, wealth, attitude and many other vices that desist the natural affinity, or its anti thereof, that people should have developed as second nature. I sense a world that is getting closer coldly inside the circles of walls of a socialisation myth and enjoying the essence of a person only as a short, distant flutter in the unbeknownst plains of mental fabric, as opposed to a blazing sense of warmth that just happens when you let your thoughts reach out to a person and feel the enormity of his/her being, the nuances of their movements, the subtlties of their behavior and the complexity of their personalities forming an impeccable sketch of an entity representing a more accurate virtual persona than t person artificially tends to portray himself as, more so, like watching an idea taking shape, like a design of, say, a car, forming in your head: the lines, contours, bends, curves, grills and stuff that give u a vision of the car, driving you to put it into action and see it taking shape, consistent with what you visualised, with what you committed to the CAD software, finally taking shape and presented to you as a representation of a part of your being, translated into reality. Its like you have moulded a part of your brain, poured your soul into it, and felt like a true creator. Bah! I’m sounding like Steve Jobs now. But people like him are required once in a while for other people to notice that the World needed much more than a Blackberry, and thanks to him, I’m able to enjoy fantastic designs and interfaces on my Android phone. After all, he pioneered a movement, a phenomenon, that would rapidly self sustain and foster its own development, either by innovation, inspiration, replication, or even castigation. It all follows the rules of Nature, where species learn to exist and co-exist by looking at other species and learning a trick or two about predation, defence, food gathering and essentially, survival. Thankfully those methods were not patented, lest humankind would have had to literally pay with our skins for eating other animals and learning it from the wild beasts that marked the precursor to our existence. I sometimes wonder how we would have survived had we not done that then, while my parents admonish me for being a non-vegetarian now! Their concern reaches no known corners of my intricate mind even as I try to reason with them that I’m neither eating pseudo-chicken from KFC nor a chicken like pattice from McD. Even though these brands don’t contribute to my diet directly, I do revel in the wafts of aroma emanating from such outlets which will make me go in search of a place that offers greater, more aromatic, healthy food that quenches my never ending desire to pamper my taste buds to the extent of propelling me to an elevated sense of mind, seconding only the orgasmic joy that a goddess blesses you with for the amount of affection that you serve as an offerring to the Love that you share. Bonds such as those are hard to come by and harder still to get over if severed. The gravity of such a realization dawned when it happened to me and I hope that it’d be the last time I face any such thing, unlike in the story of a Cro-magnon who managed to live to present day, suffering many such heart-breaks and managing to forget quite a few, while he just existed as the oblivious World aged, as an observer who brings with him a window to the period of pre-historic man, the first civilizations, spiritual superlings such as the Buddha and events in World History that changed the path of mankind for good, bringing to us a speculative perspective of a halo surrounding a man hailed as the Son of God. Frankly, if we were all created by one God as is popular belief, why only that Son is special then? Everybody else are bastards then aa? What will be enough to stop us all in our tracks and take a relook into our lives and check if we dont suck at living, instead of clinging on to what Sons of Gods are telling? If you cared enough to look at it simply, they are also telling this only, “Oh dear sons and daughters of my divine father, lead your lives well and don’t suck at it!” Ayyo, like one fish market, so much of cow dung comes to our heads like ‘my god is this’, ‘your god is that’, ‘my this’, ‘my that’, ‘my brother’s this’, ‘my friend’s that’, and all, and we lock it inside as if some one will come and steal off the warm aroma. You want such aroma means, work as a garbage collector in Bangalore city. Very good business now, I say. Some garbage heaps will scare even a rag picker to run away from 1 kilometer also. You simply go and take money from people to collect it and throw in other place, instead of garbagi-fy-ing your head. Good idea no? But if such a thing is already there, I fear that this is also a Mafiaed business like begging, havala, and trafficking. So much pain in our minds, lives and society, and as if that was not enough, these sons of bitches come off to keep theirs also in this glory hole. Besides, these kinds of shit are so well-networked that it will put a technocrat like me to shame because people like me are working as if our lives depend on it, on networks which are striving to be as painlessly seamless as possible, all the while discarding old technologies that were hailed as life-savers in their Yay!-days, creating devices that vie for a customer’s heart, mind and soul, so that they will buy them, love them and expose themselves to the device more than they would, to their lovers, while these devices constantly play sneek-peek with the user’s info such as where he goes, what he eats, whom he sleeps with and what his dog’s poop smells like, and effectively helping some fourteenth party company to tailor ads for his special needs, ads that appear more like wannabe sluts who want to sell themselves because they can’t get sold if they din’t shove up their cleavage into the faces of gaping perverts. Traditional ad banners are lot better that way, in the sense that they are atleast restricted by the proportional cost of real-estate that they occupy and the short duration of a person’s attention that they enjoy, much like the interval that a human being gets to live as compared to the scale of the Universe, often touted as only a few milliseconds in the scale of a day, and yet living every moment of life desperately submerging themselves in one quest after another, seemingly oblivious to the timer ticking behind their backs. If you get to know a person and manage to figure out the quest he is on, and try to extrapolate it on a global scale, visualizing it as teeny weenie sparks of light from fireflies traversing a void and forming intricate patterns, some glimmering more than others, some swaying more than the others, some losing out in between, some showing the way, some attracting others, some simply lingering and revelling and immersing me in a delusion that transforms the immensity of such sparks as stars in the infinite sky, filling joy and wonder, and reminding me of my childhood self singing the nursery rhyme “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, How I wonder what you are. Up above the World so high, Like a diamond on Aishwarya Rai”. No, that wasn’t the Rhyme I learnt, but diamonds and Aish were analogous for most time in my childhood, thanks to Nakshatra ads, and despite my reservations about her beauty, she remains the mascot of diamonds for me. The tag-line for the ad goes : “Diamonds are forever”, but seems like this post can’t be (sigh!) just like we can’t be too, and be it either on our own individual expiry dates or the widely proclaimed doomsday that the Mayans thought would occur in 2012, by the looks of it, we’re gonna die, sooner or later, but surer than we think we would…
There he is! Shows up now, after this half-an-hour of agonizing wait. But, why is he ducking behind the flower pots! Oh, I guess he’ll play his usual Surprise! trick on one of us. Silently, I told this to the others and we were waiting to see what happens. As usual, he targets the well-pampered, innocent-looking, but not-so-innocent girl of our group. 3 years since we all met and he is into his old shoes already. Within no time, the old-time chit-chat starts and continues into animated banter. People taking about jobs, companies, and future plans. And, suddenly starting to tease the married guys and gals about their marriage and kids. It was all so lively and fun. I thought we would take sometime to get comfy after all the ups and downs we’ve had in life. I mean, once upon a time, we were thick friends and came to each other during trying situations. But, a long gap can pull people apart. Surprisingly, it wasn’t the case now and God! I was glad for that!
“So, how come you haven’t married yet? I thought you would have had 2 kids by now!” he started his usual mockery. Hadn’t it been for my engineering, I’d have got married at 18; and hadn’t it been for my MBA, I’d have got married at 22! Now, being 25 and still living free as per my will was something that didn’t go down well with my family. But still, if not now, when could I ever be so independent? This discussion seemed to have enlightened to him that I am no longer the daddy-says-marry-this-guy kinda gal. There was a sudden swell of appreciation in his eye and I kinda felt proud that it came from him. This guy was my closest friend in engineering. He dropped me home, gave me advice, enquired about my crushes, settled fights between me and my boyfriend. Heck, he had the audacity to challenge me to take up an MBA and convince my dad against marrying me off. So much for being independent for a small time in my life!
Soon, other stories started coming out. None of us who were committed in college continued to be so. After listening to 2 marriages, 3 break-ups and this guy’s ever-growing list of could-be-lovers, we headed out for lunch. I felt we were no longer our daily selves of well-groomed, well-behaved 24-25 old employees. It was college days again. Everyone was elated at being together. The food session began: after some glass clanking, fork scratching, and spoon fighting, we were on our fingers. I bet that hanging out with college buddies over a morsel of good food is 10000 times more satisfying than team lunches with colleagues. The sense of belonging to a group and still being able to become kids in a matter of few seconds has a nostalgic, yet heartening feeling to it.
Soon, the married guys had to leave and we were making fun of them that their mistresses were not too pleased with them hanging out for so long. Gradually, each one of us were put into that situation and others gave the verdict as to how each would react. People told that coupla years earlier, I’d have been my husband’s permanent unpaid chef.But seeing me now, they were convinced that I’d rather make him cook for me before giving in. I tell you, it was a secret pleasure listening to that! 😉 Some time later, this guy’s verdict is passed and people told that he’d be his wife’s yes man! I knew him very closely and knew he was a romantic and that he’d love his wife a lot more than she’d expect. But my friends thinking that, it would make him a yes man shook me a bit. For a second, I thought if it was gonna be true. I despised the thought that he could become like that. My close friend, in fact, my best friend becoming his wife’s yes man was unsettling.
I argued against it and took people by surprise. Even he was giving me questioning glances and I told them in strong words that he’d treat his wife as an equal. Sensing that the situation would become serious, he cleverly deviated the topic and all was forgotten. But something had stung me. It was neither small enough to be ignored nor strong enough to be termed ‘love’. Or, was it? His part in my life flashed before me like a movie. For some part in my life he was the cynosure, and arguably, they were the best days! I could be a princess in his world and I had the feeling that he’d never let me be unhappy. OMG! The seeds of love are planting themselves in my head and I’m drifting away from reality. Suddenly I turned crimson and started blushing whenever I glanced at him. I couldn’t meet his gaze. Oh damn! that was too fast for me to handle. I was in sweet trauma, revelling in the feeling of new-found love and the inability to express it! Restlessness and excitement seeped through every part of me and I was dying to vent them all out!
I was so engrossed in keeping my emotions under control that I missed something that was being said. I was sure it was about some person out of this group. I listened a little more intently and realised a bitter truth.
He was about to get engaged to the love of his life.
It was late!
Not to be taken too seriously/technically, this post tries to make a common man understand what the names resemble.
Mac is like a big aquarium. It is a kind of show-off and sure enuf, increases your charisma in computing circles. It is arguably tough for any outside fish to come to your vicinity, after all, aquariums are meant to be that way. The software at your disposal is like the water in it. To keep your swimming experience a pleasure always, there are a lot of fortification procedures done, even before you buy it. All the glitter is encapsulated and life becomes a bit of a bore as u age. Of course, new water at times, and a new tank every 2-3 years sounds great. New water needs to be certified as we all know that the health of the fish is at stake! But when it boils down to what fishes do, the bottom line : You are swimming in a glass box.
Windows is like a bucket half filled with water. The bucket is some micro-particles-containing soft material. Initially, you are sorta content with it coz u understand that you can add more water as you please. Lots of vendors are very eager to sell/give you some, and make you happier. All seems well. As you add more water, you start to notice something amiss. The bucket starts wobbling and shows signs of weariness and/or breakdown. Also, it is famed to contain some micro holes and your water is wasted little by little either by loss, or by contamination. Naturally, there are vendors eagerly awaiting to provide their hole-filling/fixing services. After that, neither the water, nor the bucket is the same as before. We forgot the fish here right? Fortunately, the holes that we just discussed, are not big enough for the fish. They’ll be pleased with colorful buckets once a while. If they keep jumping around uncontrolled, they might jump out of it and pray god that somebody put them back.
Linux is like an ocean. Water keeps coming from the rivers, and there are a lot of rivers around. There is much to see if you want to, while doing all your regular swimming activities. You can travel the ocean far and wide and be wiser, or you can stick to your school and enjoy your locale. You take the call. You can migrate to a different part of the ocean in search of peace/adventure. You take the call. Typical of an ocean, you find big fish, small fish, medium fish, etc. You can be lost and ask for directions or befriend them and swim more of the ocean. You take the call. This is freedom. With so much freedom, comes so much power. With that much power, comes that much responsibility. You can use it according to the book and be safe, or take a few wrong steps and learn lessons the harder way. Of course, nowadays there are nicely laid out paths in the ocean for new fish to start out, cutting the intimidation. So, you can learn a few things about the ocean and, if you want a little more, the adventure is limited only by your imagination.
I started to walk away from a place where I thought I’d been before. But seeing it made me feel like it was the very place I felt like not coming back again and again. Yet, I’m not able to recollect what this place was, why I was here, who/what brought me here and when I’d come last. Seems like a half seen distant dream…
Then what happened? Did somebody wake me up with a bucket of water? No. I was talking serious. Btw, I was walking away and felt a strong urge to stay back and wait to see if I was here for a purpose. I was alone and so figured it won’t be a big issue whether I stayed or not. You see, some invisible metal was chaining me to the place, giving me no reason or hope to be there. Its just that gut feeling, that kept me in that place.
Then what happened? Did somebody wake me up wit a bucket of water? Again! No. I was really talking serious. The invisible chains sorta loosened a bit and I felt some uneasiness rising in my chest, urging me to run away from there. I was damn confused as to why I was feeling a mixture of opposites. However, I composed myself and started to run away from the place. Thankfully it wasn’t a maze or any such weird thing.
So, I ran fast, saw a local Volvo bus coming and hopped into it. The terrible feeling was receding and I hooked my earphones to listen to some music. A song later, I got a call from my TL.
TL : Hey… are you still in?
Me : (Thankfully) Nope… why do u ask?
TL : Thought I’d give you a few code bundles. Neva mind. Do it by this week anyway.
Me : Yes I will… (I know what “This week” means! I’ll add another week to it, don’t worry… )
TL : Well thats it. Bye.
Me : Yeah bye.
So, this spooky place I talked about was my cubicle, is it?
A small piece of art from my pen. So bad that the event for which I drew it didn’t take off. I liked it for the change it brought to me. I drew something after a long time, AND, I came up with a post in my blog after nearly a year. Anyway, as usual, feedback welcome. I hope I don’t wait to post next till 2011… 😛