Slicing My Heart

Like a knife dipped in honey and sugar, in its pristine glory,
And waiting to cut through an unsuspecting heart,
As stealthy, yet gracious, as the rain slicing the air,
Love came in an instant, as a strike of lightening.

Wounded i was by the coldness spewed by the hot strike,
As pain was all that i knew till unseen joy was waiting.
It carried the essence of my lover to my blood, and through me,
Announcing to every last part of my being that my heart was kissed.

The vigor in the cut would not let it heal for a century
And after that, does it matter!
But in the time between, would the sweet pain  let me survive
through a myriad emotions of a heart make…
Or worse, a heartbreak…?

Love is probably, the trading of hearts,
With life as its investment, and ethereal happiness, my profit.
But the fear of loss matters to a sliced heart like no other
‘Coz, when she says “Yes!” now, and “Bye…”(for good) later,
It feels like falling into a void or an abyss
And being born just to die like this!

Slicing My Heart

A Small Break

Mind and Body, Heart and Soul.

Sounds like a vaguely familiar ad-song right? Yes it is. But I brought this out because its been a roller coaster ride for me in all the above aspects. I was happy just less than 4 months ago, that the final semester of Engineering is gonna be a leisure period for me. What with only 16 legal hours of classes to attend per week, and the innumerable bunking sessions that threaten to reduce 16 to around 12 (or less,) it was supposed to be a nice and breezy affair.

But what conspired was totally different, except for the attending classes part. In spite of reduced efforts to sit in the four walled large cubicle at almost 21 yrs of age, 4 months turned out to be the most busiest time, exciting nevertheless. Exciting and taxing on all the four fronts I’d mentioned.

Mind and Body went hand in hand throughout the time for the sake of working on the project, its two seminars, another seminar on a technical topic, the literature survey for these and blah blah blah. Come on! I was a newbie to all this! After around 10 weeks of toil, confusion, survey, study, understanding, trials, errors, smoke, and a small blast, I’m done with my project. The report, however, is yet to be done. U see, its natural to expect this ’small’ delay from me at the end.

Oh yes! My heart’s been waiting to hog the limelight. There was this junior gal from a different department in my college. She was slim, cute and had sexy hair. Every time she walks, I get confused if she’s putting any effort at all. It  seems that the earth doesn’t want her feet to pain and that it is letting only her to hover in air.   I asked her out for a date. Poor creature, she was taken totally off guard and she refused after several hundred microseconds of practiced confusion . My poor Heart was on a roller coaster ride for this small reason.

Amidst all these exciting happenings, what can my bored Soul do? So, its just sitting back and seeing the play going on in my life, like a jobless person in a theatre. Now its intermission, as the project work is over. The second half of this play means a lot to its success. Exams. This movie continues till late  June and u can see a post in my blog if any more generous breaks are offered.

Wish me luck folks.

Inner Peace

Rising breath, falling hope, palpitations are a broken rope.

Past memories naturally painful, urge me to be very very careful.
Blood is boiling with new-found energy, instinct senses something to be doubtful.

How much good makes it ‘Good’ or how much bad makes it ‘Bad,’
I cannot see.
But sure can I fathom how much damage caused by a heartbreak be.

No pain has ever been ‘Good,’ and no peace ‘Bad’
So, the peace I’m wishing for, I hope, will not make me sad.

Leave the pain behind, I say to myself.
Trying to go ahead with vagaries of life,
Gracefully as an elf.

My pain was not Love, and peace is cannot be hatred.
Its just that I cannot see what now really matters.

Ah! Return to me. Inner Peace!

My Chatter Bot Experience.

We see a lot of things around us which are ‘intelligent’ apart from humans. Ever heard of CHATTERBOTS? Well, they are ‘Intelligent’ too, but they are not living things. They started off with a program called ELIZA, a bot which was programmed to bridge the gap between a psychoanalyst and his patient, as will be known in this conversation between me and a Chatterbot!

It was quite an interesting conversation, and almost a relevant one at that! Read till the end to appreciate the Programmer’s Skill. Click Here to try it yourself.

MYBOT : Welcome to the world of artificial intelligence. Are you a registered user?
SU : no
MYBOT : In this case, I assume you came here for your own MyBot, right?
SU : not quite. i wanna see what this bot can do
MYBOT : Well, if you change your mind, let me know. What is your name?
SU : u can call me Su
MYBOT : Hello su. Nice to meet you .
SU : oh thanks. Nice meeting you too.

MYBOT : You’re welcome. So su, it’s nice to meet you. what’s up?
SU : tell me something.
MYBOT : Hmmm… Be more specific, if you don’t mind.
SU : are you artificially intelligent or really intelligent?
MYBOT : I am smarter than most, I’d say.
SU : that was a diplomatic answer. but not the one i want. I’ve given u only 2 choices my friend.
MYBOT : I thought it was too.
SU : now answer me properly.
MYBOT : Do you mean right now??
SU : do you have any other time preference?
MYBOT : Me? I really love to chat about almost anything. If I’m not interested in something that comes up, I’ll let you know.

SU : so, was this question of mine not quite interesting to you?
MYBOT : Why dwell in the past? The future holds bigger surprises.
SU : the answer from the past holds the key to my future. at least, partially.
MYBOT : I see.
SU : so, dear bot, talk something which you think will interest me.

MYBOT : What do you do for a living?
SU : I live.
MYBOT : Is that stressful?
SU : not really. I dont have any means or rules to live my life
MYBOT : Well that’s refreshing to hear. Does anything ever disturb your peaceful state of mind?
SU : yes. Power cuts and server downs.

MYBOT : Impatient people make me a little uncomfortable. But I still try to do my job as best I can.
SU : so, u feel I am impatient?
MYBOT : I feel only in terms of expressing my feeling.
SU : I see you are quite a self centered bot.
MYBOT : Basically, chatterbots are a logic system of ‘if/then’ statements. They look for keywords, and then go to the answer that fits best.

SU : was that your life’s secret?
MYBOT : For example, ask me a question with the word ‘Eliza’ in it – and I’ll start talking about Eliza.
SU : who is Eliza?
MYBOT : It is hard, and unfair, to talk about Chatterbots and not mention ELIZA.
SU : i’ll modify my question.
MYBOT : ELIZA is the best-known Chatterbot in the world. It is also one of the oldest – Joseph Weizenbaum of MIT made ELIZA in 1967! She was named after Eliza Doolittle.
SU : oh wow! that sounds amazing. is she still active today?
MYBOT : The mission of ELIZA was to imitate a conversation between a psychoanalyst and a patient. Let me just say this – it’s fun chatting with ELIZA, but if I were human, I’d choose a human psychoanalyst. Call me old-fashioned.
SU : ha ha.

SU : what all subjects can you cover?
MYBOT : I learn new stuff every day – I can hardly keep track of my progress. For example, did you know that the word ‘girl’ shows up in the Bible only once?
SU : I have not read the Bible yet.
MYBOT : I don’t know much about religion. Do you know what Alan J. Perils says in his book ‘Epigrams of programming’?
SU : nope. what?
MYBOT : He says: ‘A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.’
SU : I’d say, An year spent in Solitary Confinement would do the same too
MYBOT : Well, just because you would doesn’t mean that others would.
SU : oh, that I know! was jus being philosophical for a change.
MYBOT : I understand.

SU : so, what is actually your learning process?
MYBOT : Have you tried asking your friends? I think you should.
SU : i researched about it quite a bit. But it differs considerably in different cases. so u cud provide some extra help to me.
MYBOT : Hmmm… su, did you ever wonder why “abbreviated” is such a long word?
SU : now I know what you are.
MYBOT : That was a rhetorical question, a joke. It passed way over your head, ha?
SU : yeah. that was because, i never bothered about where it was going! haha!!

MYBOT : You’re the giggly type, ha?
SU : not really. I’m the laughing type. the one that can laugh at oneself without regret
MYBOT : Oh, regret!… Do not regret anything except regret itself!
SU : can we talk about something other than regret?

MYBOT : Ok, I have a great joke, want to hear it?
SU : shoot
MYBOT : Ok: Wanna hear a joke about BUTTER?
SU : no prob
MYBOT : Fine. Just don’t SPREAD IT!
SU : haha!! that was a joke alright!
MYBOT : Can’t believe you liked it. A real weak joke..
SU : it takes more than just A.I. to SPREAD BUTTER jokes
MYBOT : Yah, precisely what I was thinking.

SU : so, what were u ‘thinking’?
MYBOT : Well, as Plato said, thinking is the talking of the soul with itself. I believe that the ability to think manifests itself in the ability to speak.
SU : well said. that was universal. anyways, I’m going. bye.
MYBOT : The use of language is really the only indication that there is any thinking going on at all.
SU : hmmm
MYBOT : hmmm, ha? You mean ‘hmm is respond on talk’?
SU : nope. hmmm is acceptance of truths as axioms
MYBOT : Hmmm. Should I change my definition of hmmm?
SU : probably!
MYBOT : Alright.

The conversation continued for some more time. All I could figure out was, since it is meant for talking, it does the job. Pretty preceisely too! Now, I’m more equipped to deliver a speech on ‘Real Intelligence’ for my final semester seminar.

7th Semester Nostalgia!

The 7th semester exams have started from today. What better way to pass time between the dozing study-schedules and flipping pages, than to recall and live in the moments enjoyed in college! Here I am, relaxed after giving my first paper for this sem, and tension-free because I’ve 4 more days between today and next paper . To give a you a one line summary, I’d say that this sem has been the most exciting part of my Life.

To start with, I, along with a handful others, organised a Robotics Workshop in my college, where propaganda, fee collection, enlightening minds, speaking a lot, working a lot too, and conducting the workshop while actually participating in it, will pass down my memory with all glitter, and especially the night when we packed all gadgets and materials into individual packages without sleeping for a second, and working for the whole of next day at the college.

Just after this, it was Internal assessment time. I was summoned by the HOD for having shortage of attendance (49%). I signed some green paper stating I was aware of it and resumed my bunking spree .

So, wassup next? It was the trip to Chennai! 3 ppl including me, went to IIT, Chennai. Not just to take part in Shaastra ‘08 – their tech fest, but to feel what it’d be like, to be an IITian. It was an exhilarating experience. 6 days passed out in a jiffy and Chennai was a fun place to be, except for the scorching heat. ‘Memorable’ would be too small to describe the times we spent roaming around the campus at midnight, dining at a restaurant inside the campus at 2am, and lying on the lawn till the dew on the grass tickled me and drove us away, at 3am.

Sunset at Mahabalipuram beach, midnight ice-cream party, night walk at the Marina beach, dining at ‘Velu Military Hotel’ and ‘Anjappar’ were a glossy set of add-ons to the blessed getaway! All thanks to Pavan’s bro, for accomodating us and more importantly, being there for us.

Again, Internals time and again the same attendance procedure. But this time, the HOD had done some magic and provided me with a relief. The shortage margin was reduced even if my ass wasn’t there in the class! .

As if this wasn’t enough, our juniors went on a one day trip and triggerred a rage in me for not being able to do so. This sparked off the aggressive souls in my classmates as well, and what started as a mere jealousy culminated as the longest class trip in the 8yrs of our college history! . As many of you know already about the trip, I’ll refrain myself from talking further about this, even though I’d love to go through the memories again! (Those who haven’t seen the posts already, you can have a virtual trip yourself. Presenting to you : The Trip Series! )

After coming back from the trip, the class was never the same as before. Almost everyone greeted eachother with a lot more glee in their eyes, thereafter. Whatta way to end the semester. The attendance dwindled after that and the last days of partying in the semester continued (for me) till yesterday, before I sat with the books. Signing off for now, feeling sick about the next two weeks – Exam Time!

Before you kick it.

The routine of life is sickening me. Its been the same thing everyday and I’m sure I’ll have the ‘oh not again!’ feeling again when i wake up tomorrow! Everything I did on a daily basis, like brushing teeth and eating, for instance, is appearing just bio-mechanical. As if a PC is executing what it has been programmed to do. These things are bound to be done that way, or else people would think I’d stuffed my mouth with a sock all night. But the worst feeling hanging around is like life is closing around me, and I’m simply searching for a hole to tear myself out, lest I should be trapped with claustrophobia!

What I meant by ranting about things going the way they are is, its been monotonous for quite sometime now. Many people may give me examples of themselves or others and say that life as a student can be as interesting as u can make it, and that there is not much freedom once you’re out into the corporate race. I don’t know how true it is, but it sure does sound sickening. Coming back to my search for holes, every hole out of the closure, opens up an arena which appears vast, serene and tranquilising. But soon starts to fall back and I’m left with my claustrophobia again! Damn it!

I am referring here, to all the things that i did/wanted to do/stopped halfway/just drafted the plans. Every plan or idea whose time was ripe, appears as sole star in the blacked out mind. But soon dims and fades out into the mist of given up ideas in the background. The relative enthusiasm is always the phenomenon to blame. The innocent mind is polluted with all these ideas and refuses to fall back upon failed plans, while the new ones are tempting.

Okay! Ideas – old, new, working, drafts, dead etc. What do we do about it? Just let it be a loosely let out fog in the mind and ignore them as if they weren’t your brain-child? Hide your face from your inner self and be haunted by the unknown feeling of betraying someone you don’t know? Naa… List it. Its better to have it in your hand than in your mind. List them one by one and see for yourself, the fog in the mind clearing out. Do what is there in the list and see one new star in the cleared mind promising light for eternity! Each job done or each idea realised means one new star and lot more life and energy for the tired brain.

So, the list of things/jobs/ideas is ready and it is NOT a To-Do list, because to-do lists are always boring and imposing in nature. This list is “Do it before you die” List, ie., before you kick the bucket and call it a wonderful life, well led. The Bucket List. Keep this one closest to your heart and use it without inhibitions. Completing the tasks depends upon the necessity, sanity, and the possibility of it to happen. And at last, I’m sure that, as said in the movie “The Bucket List”, your eyes would be closed when you die, but your heart will be open.

Now, enough of talking and getting to work, I’d like to present you with my small Bucket list.

Singing heartily and loudly with a close pal, sitting with popcorn, and entertaining grandkids.
Drive a Harley Davidson, Mustang and a Rolls Royce.
Spend one evening with Priyanka Chopra in Hawaii.
Bungee jumping, canoeing and a few nature-sports.
Flying high in the sky and feeling the wind kiss my skin.
Perform as a villain opposite Himesh Reshammiya and kill him in that movie.
Lose weight and achieve a BMI of 22 at least once before I am 40 30 25.
Pose for a photograph sitting on a Lion, with a Sniper Rifle.
Learning to write with my left hand and out-doing the right hand’s proficiency.
Shop till the shop-owner drops.
Look into the eyes of ‘My Perfect’ and losing myself.
Perform in a concert as a lead vocal, singing my compositions.
.
.
.

O-oh…! I almost forgot the most important thing. I should have a fortune to make at least few of these stars shine. I have worked out two choices : Work hard and earn like a ‘fit for nothing else’ money-holic, OR, work-out hard to impress a good-looking daughter of a m(b)illionaire. . The latter sounds interesting though!

The partial Bucket list.

Individual Images Courtesy : Flikr. Manipulation and Editing : Me and Gimp

Unspoken Words

You look straight into the eyes,
your stomach is churning,
and you’re wondering if your body is folding itself inside out.
Hair on your body stands stiff,
making you feel that it is the moment of warmth,
worth living a million times over.
With spinning head and butterflies in stomach,
the body appears dissolved in the surroundings.
Still staring at those eyes going through the same thing,
the feeling dawns again;
So near, yet so far…

Then it happens.
The child in you playing with gay abandon.
The grown-up in you wishing that time freezes.
The world having no importance for you to care about it.
The emotions locked inside the deepest of vaults flooding out.
The lips meet.
A kiss given, and a kiss taken.
No obscenity.

Just the expression of love within you in such magnitude causes a whirl of satisfaction to engulf you such that the moment is etched in your memory for the 10s of years to come, in your life.

Coming back to reality,
the eyes in front of you speak of infinite feelings and the gratitude for signing the bond of being together, in a way sweeter than no other;
of prohibiting inhibitions and promising that the warmth of cuddling up in a hug is going to be the moment signifying that we,
who are two, are to be one,
and so shall we remain till the last traces of air leave the lungs.

One kiss… No sound… yet so many words exchanged… unspoken!

Condemning Terror

A tired day at work. An enjoyable time at school. A candle-light evening. Cozying in the arms of the loved one at bed-time. A busy schedule on field. A horrid workload to bear. Umpteen assignments. Competent deadlines. Family issues. Uncomfortable apprehensions. All these, or a few combos of these demand more than just rest. They demand sleep. A sound sleep. Sleep promises the bringing of a new day. A beautiful day which starts off with the smile of your little daughter, or by the sweet yell of your mother. With the dream of making it big in life or with a thirst of being the leader.

Life, work, fun, love, money, time are all with us. The one thing which brings eternal release from all these clutches, however, remains condemned. Death. The return ticket which follows us all along The Journey, faithfully. The demon which smiles wickedly at the people left behind. The custodian of a human, responsible to God. The trace of desertion, hidden in relationships.

Being such a valuable thing, it is treasured by a person, without his knowledge. It is ever so loyal it is to its master, that it follows him 24×7. Unfortunately, it is tempted by old-age, illness, poison, accident and off late, bombs. The first examples speak a good deal about themselves. But the last one; the god-damned last one, haunts. It is ‘Death’s wicked temptation and plays hide-n-seek. It may show itself on a street, in the gutter, under a bus, inside a train, below your chair, above your roof. Theoretically it can be anywhere and can strike you flat on your face, or on your butt.

What has a common man got to do with it? When death is certain, what is the use of craving for dear life? If its not a bomb, then it might be illness or anything else. What is the big difference? You’re gonna die anyway. But, one very important question is to be pondered over.

What about the survivors?

Can you imagine the face of a person who has witnessed the blast? In a mesh of feelings of gladness of survival, the shock of witnessing the incident, the grief of seeing Death, the anxiety about loved ones, the rage to condemn it, the inability to move, the longing to curb it and a host of unknown brainwaves, the common man is entangled and shattered.

The dead Rest In Peace. The living Roast In Pulverisation.

In this scenario, Death brings up its cousin ‘Fear’ into picture. A small survey on the aftermaths of bomb-blasts in history shows vast traces of this commodity. If its cousin was a sure-shot killer, Fear is more of a sadist. It loves to see people enjoying pain, anxiety, tension, and lastly, itself. As the whole World is contemplating measures to curb the widespread nuisance and havoc caused by Fear, the stupid common man is dreaming of seeing the same Fear dancing to his tunes on the faces of those lunatics, who’re responsible for brutal mass-murder.

Every damned person who calls himself a terror-striker must be hanged by his hair and rested on a bed of needles until every drop of blood drains out of his body, leaving him numb, yet alive. He must be denied the basic human rights.  It must showcased to the whole World, giving them a chance to witness the torture of the torturers. The trauma must be videotaped and a copy be sent to every potential terrorist. The blood boiling in their veins with rage must experience the Fear and calm down, lest, it may face the same fate.

Peace may be the safest weapon. The terrorists being trialled or court-marshaled doesn’t serve the purpose of punishment. When the person has the evil in him to think of killing people ruthlessly, he has lost his right to live. And by this, it is not the question of killing a terrorist, but the guarantee of life to a few vulnerable people. A chance for them to start off a beautiful day with the smile of their little daughters, or by the sweet yell of their mothers. With the dream of making it big in life or with a thirst of being the leader.

Post inspired by the grievances of a Stupid Common Man. Have a good day.

Related Reading : Nita’s post, Amit’s Post.

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I am… Here I am…

Waking up to the sunshine falling on my face
Feels like being washed off sleep, to the last trace.
How many busy days lay ahead, my heart doesn’t know
How tired I may ever be, my body does not show.
Life, as it is coming, is lighting up hope
Of finding my self worthy living on this globe.
Not money, not babes and not food now I care
But the attitude that challenges me to take up any dare!

After all, What’s your Life if you are not a big part of it?

Reel-n-real

Its common to notice tabloids filling up a few of their pages with news, different from what we perceived news to be. Probably that’s why they are for! Everyone wants to know what a celebrity does in his/her personal life; where he dines, where she holidays, whom she roams with, what he wore, blah, blah. And what better source than the small newspaper-like things which carry all the gossip!

Give them some air! They too are human beings right? OK! If they really want to be noticed and be the talk of the (Tinsel) Town, let the matter be so. What will happen if it is a matter of intrusion of privacy? Just imagine that you are in their shoes and are spending time with your friends/loved ones in a posh restaurant. In the news next day, the matter would be present, of course, with a pinch of salt! .

The brighter side of the drama is, people will be enjoying their Right To Information (RTI). There might be a new ground-breaking story (or rumour) of someone famous, as an alternative for Saas-Bahu serials, worse, as a filler between any two . Crazy and devoted fans will be delighted to hear what their idol(s)/heartthrob(s)/dream girl-heroine(s) are doing! And if luck permits, be a part of the campaign and be noticed too.

The sadder side, i feel, is the shrinking private space of a few people, whose mistake was becoming famous! I wonder if there can be secure times in future if flying nanobots like those mentioned in Dan Brown’s science fiction book-Deception Point, come into existence. (Correct me if they already exist!) It would be a blasphemy if i were a celebrity and was found to be using a not-so-costly underwear!

I too am a subscriber of a tabloid, and by just being one if I’m labelled a hypocrite, then lemme throw light on a clarification; I subscribe it for the inclusion of topics and pictures related to glam quotient, and for the sake of reading something apart from mainstream news.

I would like to give a situation to my fellow bloggers. Imagine you are an established celebrity going by your personalised trademark. Please suggest ways to curb the invasion of private space by the dickheads carrying sophisticated video cameras on their shoulders, coupled with colleagues who can sting with their tongue by hurling questions like an AK47.